It’s a long time ago that I walked with my dad in the woods nearby, trying to see rabbits, find other animals and learning about almost everything in nature.
Some people always say he was a silent man, but he wasn’t. Just with them.
He didn’t like people who thought they were more important than others, and he had no words for those who liked to hear themselves a lot.
When I was little he often took me with him to his work.
Each time I was happy with the fact that people liked him so very much.
He and my gram were the most important people in my life.
She died when I was pregnant with my second child. He heard that he had end stage cancer the day after I came home from hospital with my third baby.
One of the main regrets of my life is that I couldn’t give my children a granddad.
In fact my children grew up without grandparents.
My mother abused me when I was a child, and even though she didn’t hit me anymore when I was grown up, her words were sharp as knives and she always made herself the centre of my life in such a way, that when it was clear she didn’t accept my autistic children my choice was already made.
All my life I’d struggled with the question why my father could be a real father and my mother could do nothing else than tell me I was a mistake. I didn’t dare to take the risk she would tell the same to my children.
Already she was telling me that my son wasn’t the grandson she expected, that I should mold him more, that I should punish him more, and already she had hit him when I took the risk to have them babysit for an hour.
He was two, could barely tell what had happened, but it was clear enough and she didn’t deny.
I always wanted to be the perfect daughter, so I took far more than I ever should. But when I had my own family it was more important to be the perfect mother.
One of my adopted friends was a happy woman without her natural mother, so could I.
Because my father and I had such a close bond, and because my grandmother had told so much about her being a mom of seven, I never hesitated when I had to make important decisions.
Ofcourse sometimes I had to chose between two bad options, but I had the strong feeling that I made the best choice with the information I had.
And looking back I’ve made many right choices, and a few that didn’t end in the situation I wanted.
I missed my dad and gram very often though.
When there’s no one of a former generation to talk about the big issues of life, it’s kind of lonely.
Experience and wisdom count.
On days like these, my father’s birthday, I feel the need to talk to someone older more than other days of the year.
Well, I hope to be around long enough to talk to my children when they need me later.